Saturday, April 6, 2013


Isten áldd meg a magyart (God Bless the Hungarians)

God Bless the Hungarians
With good cheer and prosperity.
Extend a protective arm
If they fight the enemy.
Torn by misfortune for long,
Give them happy years.
These people have expiated
The past and the future.

Lyrics: And the shortest national anthem award goes to Hungary. Short, sweet and to the point. Well said, Hungarians.

Melody: Typically Eastern European. Depressing minor key, but too boring to elicit emotion in an American.

Summary: In recognition for their shining achievement in writing the shortest national anthem ever, and in recognition of their myriad achievements in pornography, Hungary will have the honor of having a clusterfuck named after it. The Hungarian Clusterfuck will replace the Mongolian Clusterfuck, which has lingered on far past its prime.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Republic of Burundi

Burundi Bwacu (Beloved Burundi)

Beloved Burundi, gentle country,
Take your place in the concert of nations,
Acceding to independence with honorable intentions.
Wounded and bruised, you have remained master of yourself.

When the hour came, you arose,
Lifting yourself proudly into the ranks of free peoples.
Receive, then, the congratulations of the nations
And the homage of your sons.
May your name ring out through the universe.

Beloved Burundi, sacred heritage from our forefathers,
Recognized as worthy of self-government,
With your courage you also have a sense of honor.
Sing the glory of liberty conquered again.

Beloved Burundi, worthy of our tenderest love,
We vow to your noble service our hands and hearts and lives.
May God, who gave you to us, keep you for us to venerate,
Under the shield of unity,
In peace, joy and prosperity.

Lyrics: I am pretty sure this one was written with some French influence. What is this? “Recognized as worthy of self-government”? I hope that means through revolution. Otherwise The Jingoist hereby renames this country “African Canada”.

Music: I first heard
Burundi Bwacu as a child. I remember hearing it in the background and being really worried that Elmer Fudd might actually catch Bugs this time, and... oh, that wasn't the same song? It sounds so similar! I am not exaggerating when I say the melody consists of maybe 4 notes. So let’s say the anthem was written by a French child with a tiny Casio keyboard.

Population: 6,096,156
note: estimates for this country explicitly take into account the effects of excess mortality due to AIDS; this can result in lower life expectancy, higher infant mortality and death rates, lower population and growth rates, and changes in the distribution of population by age and sex than would otherwise be expected. Source: CIA World Factbook

Wow, that’s heavy. I'm done making fun of Burundi.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Vatican City State

Inno e Marcia Pontificale (Pontifical Anthem and March)

O happy Rome - O noble Rome
You are the seat of Peter, whose blood was shed in Rome,
Peter, to whom the keys of the kingdom of heaven were given.
Pontiff, You are the successor of Peter;
Pontiff, You are the teacher, you confirm your brethren;
Pontiff, You who are the Servant of the servants of God,
and fisher of men, are the shepherd of the flock,
linking heaven and earth.
Pontiff, You are the vicar of Christ on earth,
a rock amidst the waves, You are a beacon in the darkness;
You are the defender of peace, You are the guardian of unity,
watchful defender of liberty; in You is the authority.
Pontiff, you are the unshakable rock, and on this rock
was built the Church of God.
Pontiff, You are the vicar of Christ on earth,
a rock amidst the waves, You are a beacon in the darkness;
You are the defender of peace, You are the guardian of unity,
watchful defender of liberty; in You is the authority.
O happy Rome - O noble Rome. 

Lyrics: This is good, what the Pope needs is more sycophantic adoration.  This is really not so much an anthem as a job description for a "Pope Wanted" posting on These aren't lyrics, they're bullet points.  

Duties include but are not limited to:
  • Defender of peace
  • Guardian of unity
  • Watchful defender of liberty
Four-year degree preferred but not required.

Speaking of lyrics, let's pick them apart a bit. "Unshakable rock," unless you get old and infirm in which case, shake it, baby! And, hmmm, "The guardian of unity," yes, exactly, guard the church's united front against all who would divide it; don't let a little child rape get in the way of unity!

"In You is the authority" to reform the church and punish those who would use it for their own sick gains. We're praying for you to use your authority well, Your Holiness, but we're not holding our breath. 

Melody: Chewbacca is about to receive a medal for services rendered to the Holy See.
Summary:  The Pontifical Anthem and March serves as both the national anthem of the Vatican City State and as the Papal Anthem. Contrary to popular belief, the Vatican and The Holy See are two different things. The Jingoist is of course familiar with the complicated political history of the Papacy, but since the Pope is not and has never been American, it's really not worth going into.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Kim Jong Un Penis Compared Unfavorably to Dennis Rodman's: Overcompensation Commences

The news just keeps getting better on the Armageddon front. From Reuters:
North Korea formally rejected a U.N. Security Council resolution today that demands an end to its nuclear arms program, signaling it would defy international sanctions and pursue its goal of becoming a full-fledged nuclear weapons state.
Remember, kids, any one of the five permanent members of the Security Council - China, France, Russia, The United Kingdom, and The United States - could have vetoed this resolution. When even your allies in China want to lay the smack down, it may be a sign that you've gone too far.

Naturally, The Jingoist has only one concern: What does this mean for the United States?

While nobody thinks North Korea is anywhere close to being able to nuke American soil, they have mid-range missiles that can hit our allies in South Korea and Japan. More to the point, there are American soldiers and civilians in both those countries. Further, Kim Jong Un declared on Tuesday that he is ending the armistice with Washington that ended hostilities in the 1950-53 Korean War. There was never a formal peace treaty in effect following that conflict, so technically the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (neither democratic nor a republic) and the Republic of Korea (an actual democratic republic) are still at war.

According to CNN, U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has promised to get all up in the mix should DPRK provoke the U.S. or its allies. "The United States of America and our allies are prepared to deal with any threat," he said in response to the huffing and puffing from Pyongyang.

Of course, sanctions won't necessarily bother Kim Jong Un and the elite, particularly if China, which supports the sanctions on paper, continues to provide support to their pinko commie buddies. Many North Koreans already live in poverty and starvation, and the current situation is unlikely to improve their lot.

If sanctions don't work, well, we've already got 28,500 troops right there in the thick of things.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Plurinational State of Bolivia

Canción Patriótica (Patriotic Song)

Bolivians, a favorable destiny
Has crowned our vows and longings;
This land is free,
Your servile state has ended.
The martial turmoil of yesterday
And the horrible clamor of war
Are followed today, in harmonious contrast,
By sweet hymns of peace and unity.
Are followed today, in harmonious contrast,
By sweet hymns of peace and unity.
We have kept the lofty name of our country
In glorious splendor,
And on its altars we once more swear
To die, rather than live as slaves.
To die, rather than live as slaves.
To die, rather than live as slaves.

This innocent and beautiful land,
Which owes its name to Bolivar,
Is the happy homeland where men
Enjoy the benefits of good fortune and peace.
For the sons of the great Bolivar
Have sworn, thousands upon thousands of times,
To die rather than see the country's
Majestic flag humiliated.

Eternal praise to the brave warriors
Whose heroic valor and firmness
Conquered the glories that now
A happy Bolivia begins to enjoy!
Let their names, in marble and in bronze,
Transmit to remote ages
And in resounding song repeat the call:
Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Lyrics: Now this is an anthem! Valor, glory and freedom? Hell yes! And no taint of later cowardice (a la Francais) to spoil it. All this and I learned something new! Bolivia is named for Bolivar! It’s true.

Melody: Everything Mexico’s national anthem should have been. Lots of horns, a happy major key, and a fast pace. Mariachis could dance to this.

Summary: Viva la Bolivia! (But points off for the unimaginative title)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

French Republic

La Marseillaise

Ye sons of France, awake to glory,
Hark, hark, what myriads bid you rise:
Your children, wives and grandsires aging,
See their tears and hear their cries,
See their tears and hear their cries!
Shall hateful tyrants mischief breeding
With hireling Hosts, a ruffian band
Affright and desolate the land,
While peace and liberty lie bleeding?

To arms, to arms, ye brave!
March on! march on!
All hearts resolved on victory or death.

Lyrics: What? Tears, cries, and affrightment, yes. To arms, ye brave? To whom are these surrendering collaborators referring? There are more lyrics, but it has to do with death-defying freedom fighters. I nearly lost my lunch.

Melody: Everyone knows this one. Trust me. I used to like it, but now it makes me want to vomit. Or eat pastries, depending on my mood.

Summary: I vaguely remember hearing stories of French bravery. So La Marseillaise isn’t complete fabrication, just grossly out of date.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Republic of Niger

La Nigerienne

Throughout great powerful Niger
Which makes nature more beautiful,
Let us be proud and grateful
Of our new freedom!
Let us avoid vain quarrels
In order to spare ourselves bloodshed,
and may the glorious voices
Of our race be free of domination!
Let us rise in a single leap
As high as the dazzling sky,
Where stands guard its eternal soul
Which will make the country greater!

Arise! Niger! Arise!
May our fruitful labors
Rejuvenate the heart of this old continent!
And may the song be heard
In the four corners of the Earth
As the cry of a fair and valiant people!
Arise! Niger! Arise!
On the ground and on the wave,,
To the sound of the drums
In their growing rhythms
Let us always remain united,
And may each one respond
To this noble future
Which tells us: - Go forward!

Lyrics: Niger’s national anthem is also written in French. I don’t know much about Niger, so I suppose it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Niger is great and powerful, it’s people fair and valiant. I also suppose I might win the PowerBall.

Melody: This is just terrible. It’s trying to be a march, but is far too happy to embody any militaristic sense. What does Niger have to be so happy about?

Summary: It was asking too much for a semi-country to have a real anthem.